It's So Hard To Say Goodbye.....

Well, it’s time to say “so long” to my twenties. It has been a long tumultuous journey that will end on April 1st. There have been good time and plenty of bad time but there are few, if any, that I regret. As I say goodbye I thought I would come up with a list of “twenty something” achievements or landmarks that we all can relate to.

Well Twenties, I would say “I’ll see you later” but I’d be lying to you. Anyway, it’s been fun…..

1)Turning 21 and finally being able to drink….legally.
2)Turning 23 and being able to get into clubs that were supposedly for the “grown and sexy” 23 and up. You later found out that it was a bunch of bull*ish!
3)Turning 25. For some reason it just meant something.
4)Turning 20. You finally left your teen years behind but you still did the same dumb *ish that you did when you were 18 & 19.
5)You’d always heard that turning 18 made you grown but you weren’t REALLY grown until you turned 21. Nobody could tell you *ish!
6)Man, remember turning 21 and going into the liquor store to buy something for the first time. That *ish was like being in heaven. You went in for one thing but got lost in the cornucopia of beverages.
7)Didn’t you get sick of hearing, “you’re almost 30” when you turned 29?
8)Unless you were still frequenting Tweety’s, when you turned 21 you could finally rent a hotel room on your own. No longer did you have to get your “older cousin” to do it.
9)Ahhh….and renting a car became a little easier too.
10)Man, do you remember the feeling you had the first time someone asked you to see your ID? That was the *ish!
11)Now, you get pissed or frustrated every time you get carded!
12)Remember the *ucked up feeling you had when one of your younger siblings friends asked how old you were and when you told them they looked at you like “Damn you’re old!”
13)At 28 or 29, isn’t it strange to be the old person in a group of 20 year olds?
14)At your 10 year class reunion it finally hit you that you were getting older.
15)When you have kids, anything older than 19 is old as hell to them!
16)Remember when you got your first credit report and you see all the dumb *ish you did when you were 18 & 19….yeah, that one still hurts!
17)As bad as it sounds, remember the first time YOU were asked to buy some alcohol for someone under age? Yeah, you know you did it! Someone did it for you!
18)Remember the first time you ordered a drink when you were at dinner with your parents and you gave them that look like, “What, ni**a I’m grown”. Hell yeah, you remember that *ish.
19)What about the first time you heard a song or saw a movie and said, “I was like 17 when that came out”?
20)You FINALLY realized that it wasn’t cool to go to 21 and up clubs anymore!
21)Remember when you figured out that Happy Hour was some cool *ish and it wasn't for "old" people.
22)Hole-in-the walls actually became fun places to go.
23)Remember the day you realized that you could dance like the people in videos and you response to it was, "man, I'm too old for all that".
24)You realized that beer wasn't just for old pot-bellied men.
25)Reference back to #23, ain't that a b*tch! Now, everything is "I'm too old for that" or "I'm going to do some grown" *ish! Seems like yesterday when we were dreaming of being this old.

.......Man, those were the days.

Do Hoes Have an HMO?

As the title suggests, is there a health plan for hoes? President Obama wants to make medical care affordable and accessible for everyone so hoes don’t count. I’m sure that many men across the country feel that prostitutes provide a valuable service and they should have benefits too. What about an internship? I mean, can you hoe for so long and move up to pimp status? Is there a 401K program for hoes? Is there a union? One can’t hoe forever, right?

I asked a former pimp-like friend of mine if hoes were given sick days. Of course the answer I was given was an emphatic NO. Hoes can’t get sick. I don’t know about you but I just don’t think that’s fair. If she has a tooth ache or sore throat does she still have to perform oral service? Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? Wouldn’t she give it to the John that she is servicing? I thought the idea of calling in sick was to get better AND to not expose others to your sickness. I’m sure it’s pretty damn uncomfortable to have to perform when you are less than 100%. I wouldn’t want a sick hoe! If a John picks up a sick hoe does he get some sort of discount? I mean, I can go to the grocery store and buy stuff that is close to expiration at a discounted price so I can’t purchase sex at a cheaper price if it is defective? Fair is fair right?

Are hoes given vacation days? They work 5-7 days a week just like the rest of us so they should be able to put in a vacation request right? I mean, I’m sure they don’t want to hoe all of the time! Hoes want to ride the rides a Disney Land, not just ride at Disney Land! Where is the justice?

Is it because hoes don’t pay taxes? Is it feasible for them to give a John a receipt afterwards? Do they offer specials? Can a John get a #5 Jumbo sized? How does that work? Is there a frequent shopper program? If you see the same woman 5 times in a row, is the 6th time free? Do they have something to put on your keychain that can be scanned every time you pick her up? I think it would only be fair to get some head free on your 7th visit or at least 50% off. Do they hand out coochie coupons? What about a receipt? If a John develops a mysterious illness a couple days later, can he show proof of purchase and get his money back? I know that a lot of prostitutes carry their own condoms but can the John get a discount if he provides his own?

I’m just saying, hoes need love too. Ya’ll agree, right?

Strippers Need Love Too!

Would it really be that bad to be in love with a stripper? Seriously, would it be that bad? When you think about it, there would be some nice little perks to have a stripper as your main squeeze. Let’s take a look.

1) She’ll be educated (eventually) right? Isn’t the usual excuse as to why she is a stripper is to pay for college?
2) They’re usually great parents too. Isn’t another reason that they work in gentlemen’s clubs to “make a better life for my kids, I do this for them”.
3) She’ll definitely have deep pockets too, right? Isn’t another excuse usually, “I make 10 times more doing this than I would at a normal 9 to 5”.
4) Oh wait, she’ll definitely be independent too. You can’t forget “I do this for me. I do this because I want to and nobody can tell me how to live my life. No one can tell me what to do with my body, how I should act, look, etc”.
5) Good eye candy. I would think that she would have some fine-ass friends.
6) You will always have money for the toll roads.
7) We all hate it when someone asks “Do you have change for a five?” Well, a stripper girlfriend solves that problem.
8) There will always be money for the vending machine.
9) “Make a Wish Foundation”…..got that covered too.
10) Never again will you have to feel bad about not giving the homeless man any money. With a stripper girlfriend, there will be plenty of lose cash to offer.
11) You little nieces and nephews will love you to death when you give them each a dollar.
12) Ahhhh….she could always transition into fire fighting when she becomes less desirable to the male patrons of your local gentleman’s club.
13) With a stripper girlfriend, tipping the waiter or bar tender should never be a problem.
14) And don’t you hate when someone asks, “you got a dollar I can borrow?” Problem solved!
15) You’ll never have to worry about breaking a big bill to pay for something small.

Oh, the possibilities are endless! Thank you T-Pain, thank you for opening our eyes and showing us that strippers need love too.

There aren’t as many perks if you’re in love with a teacher. Damn…..